The frightful politicians of Halloween weekend
If our politicians were Halloween enthusiasts, what costumes would they wear?
By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
Pignanelli & Webb: This is the time where ghouls, goblins and ghosts are haunting neighborhoods and the airwaves, scaring ordinary people. We are talking, of course, about the end days — of the election season — with many voters terrified. But it also happens to be Halloween weekend. In honor of this ever-more-popular holiday, we tap into our secret artificial intelligence algorithms to reveal the costumes Utah and national politicos will be wearing for trick-or-treating — possibly in your neighborhood! (Hide the children!)
Gov. Spencer Cox will be fitted in a Buzz Lightyear suit to promote the new state flag and the ambitious new state slogan: “To infinity and beyond!”
House Speaker Brad Wilson will scare people costumed as a brine shrimp with “Save me! Save Me!” emblazoned across his back to support his tireless campaign to re-water the Great Salt Lake.
Former Congressman Ben McAdams will be portraying Oscar Zoroaster (aka the “Great and Terrible” Wizard of Oz) since rumors abound he is the “man behind the curtain” guiding the McMullin Senate campaign.
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson will be donning the apparel of Captain Marvel to reflect her never-ending fight against nonsensical allegations of voter fraud.
Senate President Stuart Adams will be appropriately costumed as Albus Dumbledore, the good “Harry Potter” wizard, because he is so deft in exuding patience while providing wisdom in the chaos of the Legislature.
Independent Senate candidate Evan McMullin will assume the role and dress of a monster called Browbeater. He can be seen walking neighborhoods shouting, “You will care about Jan. 6! Yes, you will! Forget about inflation! You will care about Jan. 6! You will ignore the liberal Democrats funding me! You will care about Jan. 6!”
Sen. Mike Lee will return as the Norse god Thor using the big hammer to squash liberals, Big Tech companies, Democrats funding independent candidates and those not respectful of the Constitution. But he will also show humility by carrying a sign saying, “Yes, comparing Donald Trump to Captain Moroni was really, really dumb. Please forgive as Chief Judge Pahoran did!”
Sen. Mitt Romney will be Maverick from ‘Top Gun” since both are unconventional in action and have great hair.
Our algorithm has only turned up a rumor that former President Donald Trump will appear as the Great Pumpkin because we know he exists and has an orange tone. But we’re just not sure when and where he will appear next. Maybe 2024 in Iowa and New Hampshire?
President Joseph Biden will be dressed as Edward John Smith, the stoic captain of the Titanic, who went down with the ship. He was last seen rearranging deck chairs.
U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will be appearing as recently resigned U.K. Prime Minister Liz Truss to get a head start on the abrupt change about to occur.
U.S. House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy will be wearing a Spiderman suit in anticipation of the new powers he’s about to receive.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson will be sporting a Velma Dinkley costume from the “Scooby-Doo” cartoons in the hopes of solving the mystery of how to find a more compliant County Council.
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall will be dressed as a Home Depot power shopper as she spends most of her days building homes throughout the city for homeless people.
State Auditor John Dougall will be a dragon from the “Game of Thrones” series because he likes how they are feared and can burn things down.
University of Utah President Taylor Randall will be dressed as Annie Sullivan, the famous miracle worker who taught Helen Keller. Taylor has performed similar miracles as the first university president in generations that is well liked by Utahns of all types — Republican, Democrat, urban, rural, business, community activist and even grumpy faculty.
Attorney General Sean Reyes will be Hamlet, carrying a skull and proclaiming, “To be or not to be … governor … senator … maybe attorney general again?”
Senate Minority Leader Karen Mayne will be honored by her colleagues and constituents in wearing the Superwoman costume to reflect her amazing courage in the face of adversity.
House Minority leader Brian King will be dressed as Doctor Strange in the hopes that he can find the magic weapon to help his Democrats fend off the red wave.
The four incumbent Republican members of Congress, John Curtis, Chris Stewart, Blake Moore and Burgess Owens will be attending functions as the four horsemen of the zombie apocalypse, proclaiming the dire results that befall Utah and the nation should they not be elected.
In response, the four Democratic challengers Rick Jones, Nick Mitchell, Glenn Wright and Darlene McDonald will be the four musketeers, because they believe in all for one and one for all as they go up against insurmountable odds.
In response to popular demand, Pignanelli and Webb will be dressed as Dumb and Dumber. We’re not sure if this is a reflection of our intelligence, personality, appearance or, most likely, all three. (We refuse to reveal which one is Dumber.)