Santa is coming ... so what did politicians wish for?
If you’ve ever wondered what your politicians are asking from Santa for Christmas, look no further for the answers
By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
We understand Santa and his reindeer are excited they can deliver gifts this year without having to wear masks or practice social distancing. They remain worried, however, about criticism from the Dark Sky movement over light pollution from Rudolph’s nose. And with Title 42 remaining in place thanks to Chief Justice John Roberts, they’re deploying evasive sleigh-flying techniques while crossing the border.
Still, our sources confirm that Santa will arrive as usual. So, as a service to readers, we unleashed AI spy technology to hack into North Pole social media accounts revealing the Christmas wish lists of politicians and others.
Gov. Spencer Cox: “Thanks for all the early snow. But please bring a lot more. We need to fill up the Great Salt Lake and meet our basic needs. And more moisture will shut up all those comedians making fun of my ‘Pray for water’ strategy.”
Former President Donald Trump: “Please deliver more lawyers who will work without pay to defend me. I can’t make enough selling digital superhero tokens.”
President Joseph Biden: “Please make sure Trump stays in the presidential race. He’s my best chance to win reelection in 2024.”
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: “Santa, thank you for a wonderful legislative audit documenting the fair and fraud-free election system in Utah. Please deliver copies of that audit to all the election deniers who see nefarious activity behind every tree and rock.”
Left wing “woke” progressives: “Santa is still around? That example of self-entitled white privilege should be canceled immediately. He exploits smaller humans and misogynistically ignores his spouse. Forcing reindeer to fly on cold nights is abominable and he glorifies the consumption of sugary foods contributing to world obesity.”
Right wing guardians of liberty: “We are outraged Santa is still around. Various movie and television outlets owned by corporate fake media promote his socialist gift-giving. His invasion of privacy is disgraceful in making lists of who is naughty or nice, and jumping into everyone’s fireplace.
U.S. House Republican congressional leadership: “Please deliver some common sense to our caucus members in choosing a new speaker and avoiding senseless investigations next session.”
U.S. House Democratic congressional leadership: “Thank you for delivering utter confusion into the narrow GOP majority as they fight over who should be speaker. Please keep our own chaos out of sight.”
Utah House Speaker Brad Wilson: “I am grateful for our recent election victories. But I am asking Santa to ensure members of my caucus don’t get any wild ideas watching the silliness among Republicans in the speaker’s election in the U.S. House.
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams: “In the Utah Senate, we rise above all rabble-rousing and in-fighting. So, we just modestly ask for wisdom in spending the incredible amount of money we have available.”
Attorney General Sean Reyes: “I’m hoping that Santa delivers more opportunities for me to sue the Biden Administration and lots of visibility before the U.S. Senate race in 2024.”
State Treasurer Marlo Oaks: “I’ve been a good boy doing my part fighting the left wing agenda by pulling state money out of environmental, social and governance (ESG) investments. Please deliver the state from any more of these do-gooder funds.”
Sen. Mike Lee: “Santa, for the holidays please find someone else to lead any effort to shut down the government. Maybe Ted or Rand. I made my point and got plenty of grief.”
Sen. Mitt Romney: “Please have Trump issue another series of superhero NFT digital trading cards. The fallout from this nonsense helps me with those who think I’ve been too hard on the guy.”
Congressman Chris Stewart: “Chairmanship of the House Intelligence Committee would be a nice gift. Asking again. In return, I will always clear and protect the airways from nefarious foreign interventions on Dec. 24-25 to protect your late-night global excursions.”
National Democrats: “Let Kyrsten Sinema have her fun. But please no more defections.”
National Republicans: “Santa, we always ask for a strong economy. But not too strong; we need to blame Biden for something.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: “I have been very nice this year — especially to Republicans. So I appreciate their efforts to help me with the homeless population. Please keep delivering that generosity.”
Mayoral candidate Rocky Anderson: “Please deliver me just one more chance to tax those Davis County Republicans for driving into Salt Lake City.”
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “Christmas came early with elimination of that veto-proof Republican council majority. Now can you work your magic with the Legislature?”
Congressman John Curtis: “Santa, nothing too difficult — just more visibility for my Conservative Climate Caucus.”
Congressman Burgess Owens: “Santa, I appreciate my new district boundaries. What I really want is an opportunity to tell football stories instead of all this political stuff.”
Congressman Blake Moore: “Santa, I keep hearing whispers about the powerful Ways and Means Committee. It’s not so much to ask.”
All Utahns: “Santa, please deliver extraordinary snow this winter so we can fulfill the basic needs of our lives — water parks, golf courses, perfectly manicured lawns, clean cars, washing down driveways, water skiing, snow skiing, swimming pools, etc.”
Deseret News: Happy Holidays to our readers — especially those masochists who endure Pignanelli & Webb every week.