The Halloween nightmares of Utah politicians
What Halloween nightmares are Mitt Romney, Mike Lee and other Utah politicians dreaming up?
By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
Pignanelli & Webb: Halloween is scary enough by itself. Inject politics into the mix and some real nightmares emerge. With the big night almost here, we used various means of divination (or maybe it was indigestion) to conjure up the Halloween nightmares of our local politicians.
Gov. Spencer Cox: “It was terrifying! I was forced to say rude things on television about people with whom I disagree. I was forced to, perish the thought, disagree worse! I woke up screaming.”
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: “I dreamt a real case of voter fraud actually occurred in Utah. I’m so glad it was just a nightmare. It shook me to the core!”
U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney: “I woke up in a cold sweat after dreaming that Donald Trump was reelected. Worse, he issued an executive order outlawing sales of my biography and the manufacturing of Twinkies. I may never be the same.”
U.S. Sen. Mike Lee: “At first it seemed like a happy dream because I was sitting in the inner sanctum of the Supreme Court when the justices were deliberating a case regarding the dormant Commerce Clause. But when I tried to get their attention, they could not see me or hear me. I shouted my legal theories in vain, over and over again. It was sheer torture.”
U.S. Rep. Blake Moore: “What a nightmare! I dreamed I was part of a gridlocked House of Representatives in total disarray, unable to even elect a speaker! And in caucus, various factions spent all their time yelling at each other! Wait, was that just yesterday’s headlines?”
U.S. Rep. John Curtis: “My frightening dream started as a beautiful morning. But while dressing I opened the drawer and all my socks were drab gray. There was no color or pattern to any of them. The scene still haunts me today.”
U.S. Rep. Burgess Owens: “I dreamt I met with constituents and they really didn’t care about football or the Super Bowl I played in. It really was scary.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: “It was like ‘Groundhog Day.’ I get up every morning and have to debate Rocky. Same arguments and campaign pitches, over and over again. Actually, the bad dream pretty much reflects my life right now.”
Mayoral candidate Rocky Anderson: “It was awful. I dreamt that every liberal over the age of 55 suddenly disappeared from Salt Lake City. No one had a clue who I was! It was devastating.”
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “I dreamed I had to ride the gondola up Little Cottonwood Canyon to Snowbird and Alta. UDOT tossed me out halfway up. Worst nightmare of my life!”
Democratic Party Chair Diane Lewis: “I dreamed that Donald Trump was no longer a candidate and Joe Biden had to face a more mainstream Republican. What a disaster! This was so frightening.”
Republican Party Chair Robert Axson: “I dreamed that Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer retired and we could no longer vilify them and raise money. What a disaster! This was so frightening.”
Attorney General Sean Reyes: “In my nightmare, I heard trick-or-treaters outside my door. I went out to hand out candy and children wearing Tim Ballard masks said, ‘Boo!’ It’ll take a while to get over that.”
Senate President Stuart Adams: “I woke up in a panic after dreaming that Utah did not win any award for good management, solid taxation policies or a great economy. The horror was indescribable.”
House Speaker Brad Wilson: “I dreamed I was a well-respected state legislator who could solve problems and get things done. Then I shape-shifted into a federal lawmaker and was caught in a maze of chaotic paralysis. I was immobilized. I tried to get something done and heard laughter. It was frightful.”
U.S. Senate GOP candidates Trent Staggs, Rod Bird and other arch-conservative Republicans: “It was a ghastly dream. The Legislature abolished the caucus/convention system. Thousands of delegates were staggering around like zombies with nothing to do.”
2nd Congressional District Republican nominee Celeste Maloy: “I dreamt that on my way to be sworn in as a new member of Congress I was stuck in the elevator with members of “the Squad” — Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Rashida Tlaib ... I’m still shaking.”
2nd Congressional District Democratic nominee Kathleen Riebe: “I dreamt that on my way to be sworn in as a new member Congress I was stuck in the elevator with Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Opal Boebert. It was awful.”
University of Utah President Taylor Randall: “This was so realistic. The Pac-12 suddenly disintegrated, we were left afloat, and then we had to join another conference. When will I wake up?”
Frank Pignanelli: “It was terrifying. I was sitting in one of those national chain restaurants that claim to serve Italian food (you know what I’m talking about) and forced to eat tasteless breadsticks. I will need therapy.”
LaVarr Webb: “Well, this is embarrassing. In my bad dream, I went out to feed the chickens one cheery morning and forgot to put on my pants. The chickens were so traumatized they stopped laying eggs for a month.”