Here are the floats we wish we would see on July 24
From the governor to the Utah Jazz, here are our recommendations
By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
It was 176 years ago when Brigham Young stopped his wagon high in Emigration Canyon. Looking down over the broad expanse of the Salt Lake Valley, he uttered those memorable words: “This is the right place!” He then proceeded with his remarkable group of courageous refugees to settle the Utah Territory. (Although because of Utah’s winters and summers, many hoped he would continue to San Diego.) Ever since then, regardless of one’s religious affiliation, our state celebrates the 24th of July — and especially the Days of ’47 Parade. Politicians and interest groups love to participate in this popular event, usually smiling and waving from ornate floats and nice vehicles. Always civic minded, your columnists again proposed great ideas for fun and interesting float themes and banners for these politicians and other groups. Inexplicably, none of them embraced our suggestions. (A sign of common sense?) Nevertheless, here are our sober recommendations for a wonderful and unforgettable parade:
Gov. Spencer Cox: On a large farm flatbed trailer pulled by a tractor, standing erect and tall with the banner, “Your governor: Vanquishing social media, incivility and drought.”
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: Riding a large turkey-looking float with the loudspeaker proclaiming the message: “Remember, this year you can plan your Thanksgiving Dinner and complete the election ballot at the same time. Election day is Nov. 21.”
Salt Lake City Airport Authority Board and airport Director Bill Wyatt: All carrying a banner, “Proud to be your airport and making Utahns much healthier with long walks on Concourse A.”
Little Cottonwood Canyon gondola supporters: A group of ski resort developers marching with the banner, “Get polluting cars off the road (and more skiers to our resorts).”
GOP primary congressional candidates: Three contenders, Celeste Maloy, Becky Edwards and Bruce Hough, will be on a float doing a delicate dance, demonstrating how they will attract Trump supporters without being saddled with his baggage.
Those other congressional candidates: Democrat Kathleen Riebe and United Utah January Walker will walk the route holding a sign, “Republicans are boring. Try something new.”
Friends of the Great Salt Lake conservation group: They will be riding bicycles shouting, “Thank you, but keep those lawns yellow. One good winter is not enough.”
U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney: Riding in a stylish convertible waving to the crowd and shouting, “Hello Utah. Still deciding. No need to rush.”
Utah House Speaker Brad Wilson: Also riding in a convertible, waving to the crowd shouting, “Hello Utah. I have decided. I’ve raised 2.2 million reasons to stay in the Senate race.”
Riverton Mayor Trent Staggs: Riding a unicycle and holding a sign, “Also running for U.S. Senate. Underdogs can win!”
U.S. Sen. Mike Lee: Riding a horse, sword in hand, with a sign, “Leading the charge against out-of-control wokeness.”
The Salt Lake Bees organization: Marching and carrying a banner, “South Jordan isn’t that far away and we’ll still offer quality triple-A professional baseball at minor-league prices.”
Utah hockey fans: Carrying the banner, “Major league hockey is faster, funner and cheaper than major-league baseball. Just sayin’.”
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams: In a convertible with a sign, “Quiet, competent leadership produces great results for Utah.”
Redistricting Commission members: Carrying a banner, “Gerrymandering is dead (we hope). We have faith in the Utah Supreme Court.”
Utah’s congressional delegation and GOP legislators: Marching and carrying a banner, “Hey, drawing voting district lines always makes someone really mad. We just prefer unhappy Democrats over unhappy Republicans.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: Atop a huge float decorated with protesters, bicyclists, tree huggers and the banner, “Salt Lake City. You hate our politics but love to party here.”
Mayoral candidate Rocky Anderson: Walking with the banner, “Please ignore all those people having fun. This city is a disaster.”
Utah Jazz organization: Owner Ryan Smith, team CEO Danny Ainge and coach Will Hardy in a jacked-up pickup truck with the banner, “Still rebuilding, but this might be a pretty good year.”
U. of U. President Taylor Randall: In a convertible pulling a billboard, “The Pac-12 may be in disarray, but we are winning the championships.”
BYU President C. Shane Reese: In a Conestoga wagon, carrying a sign, “Those dusty plains and rocky ridges of independence were tough. But Big 12. This is the place — the Promised Land.”
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: Riding in a convertible with a bullhorn, “Remember the necessary loud voice in the wilderness of Republicans.”
Utah Democratic Party Chair Diane Lewis: Atop a float with a sign, “Inflation is down, Ukraine is winning, employment is high. Thank you, President Biden!”
Utah Republican Chair Rob Axson: Riding in a big truck, with a big sign: “Why Republicans win: Biden, Schumer, Pelosi. Need I say more?!”
Frank Pignanelli and LaVarr Webb: Wearing clown outfits, trudging along at parade’s end, carrying shovels and a sign saying, “Horses and politicians produce emissions. We shovel it. It’s a dirty job, but now you know where we get our column material.”