Christmas characters as political figures
By Renae Cowley, Frank Pignanelli
Republican Renae Cowley is a political consultant, lobbyist, social media influencer and professional rodeo athlete. Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah State Legislature.
If literary and cinematic Christmas characters were in politics or current affairs, what roles would they have? We offer our suggestions.
Ebenezer Scrooge, “A Christmas Carol”: He knows how to make money and, eventually, how to give it away — perfect for Secretary of the Treasury.
Marley brothers, “A Muppet Christmas Carol”: It almost doesn’t feel like a joke because it is so accurate. Still, the similarities between Elon Musk, Vivek Ramaswamy and these lovable curmudgeons are almost uncanny. Marley and Marley would be co-directors of the Department of Government Efficiency. They have a breadth of experience criticizing others from the gallery.
The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!”: We’re unsure about what kind of creature he is, but he possesses the qualifications needed to serve as a border czar. His credentials include building a fortress, impenetrable to perceived undesirables, the Whos from Whoville, until he met a well-intentioned, heart-of-gold intruder — Cindy Lou Who, who softened his stance on outsiders.
Ralphie Parker, “A Christmas Story”: The boy is passionate about guns and has real-world experience with gun safety. Who better to head up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives?
Frosty, “Frosty the Snowman”: Intolerant to warm weather, a jovial, always polite demeanor and a magic hat (needed to raise tariffs) makes him the perfect candidate for ambassador to Canada.
Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”: Congress is known to be rowdy, full of strong personalities, diverse priorities and an almost zoo-like atmosphere. Clark would be a strong candidate to serve as the U.S. House of Representatives speaker. He’s dedicated to bringing people together in the name of magical family holiday togetherness.
Buddy the Elf, “Elf”: The exact opposite of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Buddy would be a bold pick for Health and Human Services Director. He promotes the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup. This is a candidate the sugar industry lobbyists and many soda-loving Utahns would support.
Rudolph, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”: His years of experience flying through turbulent airspace and navigating aircraft defects qualify him to lead the Federal Aviation Administration.
Santa Claus (of every movie): Directs an army of elves, traverses the globe campaigning to keep approval ratings high and oversees the manufacturing behemoth that powers the thriving economy of Christmas. There is no question Santa would serve as commander in chief.
Mr. Potter, “It’s a Wonderful Life”: A shrewd miser of funds, Mr. Potter would easily assume the most depressing, thankless job of chairman of the Federal Reserve.
Mogwai, “Gremlins”: A perfect profile for whatever shady character is operating all those drones in New Jersey.
Santa’s elves: Leadership in the Department of Labor, protecting domestic manufacturing, ensuring the Keebler elves abroad are not making cheaper products and importing them, thus taking jobs from hardworking domestic elves.
Burgermeister Meisterburger, “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town”: Well-suited to fill the role of authoritarian leader of any country antagonistic to the U.S.
John McClain, “Die Hard”: A militant figure with the experience of battling the stateless villains of the 21st century as secretary of defense. And yes, “Die Hard” IS a Christmas movie!
George Bailey, “It’s a Wonderful Life”: A man dedicated to serving his community and providing pathways to achieve the American dream, an obvious candidate for Housing and Urban Development secretary.
Kevin McCallister, “Home Alone”: No one has more credentials to create a fortress of security, anticipate adversaries’ moves, and take down bad guys intent on infiltration. He would be a shoo-in for the Homeland Security director.
Cindy Lou Who, “The Grinch”: The epitome of class and grace, especially when facing an entrenched opponent. Her cordiality and decorum can melt the heart of any stonewalling adversary. Cindy would be an excellent first lady.
Frank Cross, “Scrooged”: Selfish to his core, Frank Cross would need no audition to assume the on-camera roles of ambitious, ruthless, heartless media moguls that inspire bipartisan hate.
The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, “A Christmas Carol”: A natural role for special interest activists ranging from climate change to national debt alarmists, professing dystopian predictions of humanity-ending outcomes if the nation does not change.
Charlie Brown, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”: Appropriations chairmen are known for creating “Christmas tree” bills for others to hang their financial requests on. Charlie Brown may have selected the humble tree, but his cohorts made it an opulent conifer.
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Wallace and Davis, “White Christmas”: These famous performers know it takes more than a song and dance to care for veterans, who deserve top-notch care and dignity. They are an easy pick for managing Veterans Affairs.
Kris Kringle, “Miracle on 34th Street”: The elderly, kind gentleman who the U.S. Postal System acknowledged as Santa Claus will make a very popular postmaster.
Conductor, “Polar Express”: This famous train enthusiast adheres to a rigid schedule. He would be perfect for secretary of transportation.
We want to give a special thanks to Holly Meagher for inspiring this week’s column. If you have ideas for topics you want to see us cover, please send us an email. We wish you a happy holiday season!