Predicting what politicos are grateful for this Thanksgiving

By Renae Cowley, Frank Pignanelli

Republican Renae Cowley is a political consultant, lobbyist, social media influencer and professional rodeo athlete. Email: capitolcowgirl@gmail.com. Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah State Legislature. Email: frankp@xmission.com.

Cowley & Pignanelli: Utahns and our politicians have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving weekend. Here are the expressions of gratitude we think they will be sharing over their Thanksgiving feasts:

Every man, woman and child in Utah: “We are extremely grateful that we can now watch TV and enjoy pharmaceutical and automobile advertisements instead of the constant barrage of political ads!”

Podcast bros: “Grateful the mainstream media is discussing our impact on the election. Maybe now our parents will finally listen to the shows if they can figure out how to use a podcast app.”

Senator-elect John Curtis: “I am grateful that Utah voters gave me an overwhelming mandate to undertake the most important mission on their behalf — wearing crazy socks in the Senate chamber.”

Gov. Spencer Cox: “Grateful for a decisive victory that should mean a quiet four years of governance, where we can all disagree better. Well, fingers crossed, anyway.”

Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: “As Utah’s election officer, I am grateful for another efficient and fraud-free election — despite the Utah County confusion!”

Utah legislators: “We all love our local college football teams. They are providing a much-needed distraction to voters who were targeting their frustration towards us. Thanks!”

Reps. Blake Moore, Burgess Owens and Celeste Maloy: “We are grateful to be in the majority and welcome the newest member of the delegation, Michael Kennedy. We are already cracking jokes about having ‘a doctor in the House.’”

Moderate Democrats: “We are grateful for the overwhelming statement from millions of Americans this election. In other words, VINDICATION!”

Moderate Republicans: “We are thankful that our friends to the right will still need us to pass anything.”

Senate Pres. Stuart Adams & House Speaker Mike Schultz: “We’re grateful the majority of American voters followed our lead to elect conservatives who promised to cut wasteful spending, protect women in sports and lower taxes. We hope that we will thank them next year for actually doing it.”

Millennials: “We are grateful to make up the plurality of voters in the last election, cementing our dominance in politics and policy-making. Now what did we vote for again?”

Boomers: “Next year, millennials and Gen Z will outnumber us by population. So we are thankful for our relevance this year.”

Elon Musk: “I am extremely grateful my support of Trump paid off. Now I get to slash and burn wasteful government programs, giving me endless material for my viral tweets.”

Joe Rogan: “I’m thankful my pal Elon might take my globally popular podcast to cable TV, should he buy MSNBC.”

Every political reporter: “We express our gratitude for the bountiful blessings that are Trump’s unconventional, quasi-celebrity cabinet appointments, providing us with a cornucopia of material to report on.”

National Democrat leaders: “Since our goose got cooked in the last election cycle, we are grateful dry turkey will dominate holiday conversations for a while, taking the heat off our poor election performance.”

National Republican leaders: “We are grateful to voters for the red wave and the mandate that gives us to govern … at least until the midterms.”

Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “As the highest-ranking Democrat in Utah, I’m always glad to have fellow compatriots on the council to sustain my vetoes.”

Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: “I am thankful the Utah Hockey Team is playing well and remains extremely popular with voters. I just hope the Jazz will make it to the playoffs.”

Sen. Mike Lee: “I am thankful to be back in the majority so I can give more speeches in committees and on the floor about the Constitution — this time, from a better seat.”

Sen. Mitt Romney: “Free at last, free at last and about to enjoy my retirement from politics … for now, at least!”

Lobbyists: “What a great country. Where else is there complex legislation with thousands of pages that no one has read or understands, compelling clients to hire us? In addition, there are billions of dollars just begging for our advice on how they should be spent. It is truly a bonanza of blessings.”

National pollsters and campaign experts: “We are grateful Americans have a short attention span and will hopefully forget that we once again missed our predictions by a mile this political season.”

Donald Trump: “I’m thankful to be coming home after the holidays. I hope they still deliver McDonald’s to the White House.”

Biden: “I am grateful for my failing memory. Otherwise, remembering all my recent blunders would make Thanksgiving conversations a real drag, man.”

Pignanelli & Cowley: We are deeply grateful the Deseret News allows us to share our weekly political perspectives. Politicians can’t help but be peculiar and interesting creatures who generate ample news and controversy to keep us busy. We are thankful the elections are over, the holidays are here and the politicians we annoy have a sense of humor — at least, most of them!