A change of pace from serious politics — suggestions for the Days of ’47 Parade
The last several weeks have been historically tumultuous on the political front, with the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump and the nomination of the Trump/Vance ticket at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee. Courage, compassion and perspective are the best antidotes for these troubled times.
Those unprecedented events have been covered unrelentingly by the news media. Thus, for a change of pace, we turn our attention to Pioneer Day, a celebration next Wednesday that is unique to our state.
With the dual objectives of honoring our heritage but also having good-natured fun, we offer our traditional suggestions for Days of ‘47 float themes for Utah politicians and other celebrities. This is especially prescient, as the official theme for our beloved holiday is “Stout Pioneer Hearts — Lift Others!” Utahns excel at such endeavors.Of course, we are aware that many of the respected individuals we mention will actually be in Paris on the 24th for the expected award of the 2034 Winter Games to Utah. Thus, if they actually want to use our ideas, mannequins make good substitutes.
Gov. Spencer Cox: Riding a John Deere tractor featuring a brightly colored banner: “Utah proves that disagreeing civilly brings prosperity … and water.”
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: Riding a car, with her family carrying a banner proclaiming, “Another successful election year preventing nonexistent voter fraud.”
Salt Lake City Airport Authority Board and Director Bill Wyatt: Riding an airplane float featuring a banner: “Keeping Utahns (and visitors) healthy with those long walks to Concourse B. What a great way to get your steps in! You’re welcome.”
Independent Redistricting Commission members: Marching while chanting, “We kept the faith … in the Utah Supreme Court. We are now back in action!”
Utah Democratic Party Chair Diane Lewis and Utah Republican Chair Rob Axson: Walking together holding a sign that says, “All Utahns, regardless of politics, cherish our legacy and heritage.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: Standing atop a float with various sports memorabilia with a huge sign reading, “NBA, NHL, 2034 Winter Games and future MLB. All those acronyms mean your capital city is a mecca for sports lovers!”
Republican 3rd District Rep. and Senate candidate John Curtis: Standing on a float holding a sign: “Demonstrating that civility and decency wins elections in Utah, and it can also work in Washington!”
Prominent businesspeople Ryan and Ashley Smith: Riding in a Corvette convertible featuring a big sign with the words, “Main Street is cool, but in a few years this parade could pass through the new, even cooler, sports/entertainment district!”
Utah Democratic Senate candidate Caroline Gleich: Dressed in ski gear with the banner, “It will take a professional ski mountaineer and endurance athlete to reform Washington.”
Sen. Mike Lee: Atop a float with American flags, dressed in a white wig, waving and shouting, “Proud to be channeling our Founding Fathers … and Mothers.”
Sen. Mitt Romney: In his convertible sporting a big smile, waving and saying, “It’s been a great ride. Thanks for the memories.”
Utah Hockey Club team members: Walking the parade route, holding a banner saying, “Thank you for the warm welcome, but please give us a really cool name.”
Utah trout fishermen who are also hockey fans: Walking behind the hockey team with a banner saying, “How about the Utah Cutthroats? Great hockey name and honors our state fish!”
Salt Lake Bees organization: Management and team walking together holding a banner: “Hey, we’re still playing — next year in SoJo.”
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams: Sitting atop a float shaped like a bullet train, looking beyond the distant horizon with a banner reading, “High-speed rail — our next frontier. SLC to Vegas in a jiffy!”
Utah House Speaker Mike Schultz: Dressed as “Yellowstone” character John Dutton riding his horse, herding a bunch of legislators with a sign that says, “Leading and corralling the People’s House.”
Utah congressional delegation and GOP legislators: Marching and carrying a banner saying, “Our district boundaries haven’t changed this election year. No worries … for now.”
Friends of the Great Salt Lake conservation group: Costumed as brine shrimp, walking together and shouting, “Thanks for another record low water usage summer. The environment and all the GSL critters are grateful for your sacrifice.”
Democratic congressional candidates: Carrying the banner: “Elect us. We promise, no internal squabbling.”
University of Utah President Taylor Randall: Riding in a red car with a sign, “Proud of our Utah football team and that university attached to it.”
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “With Romney retiring, I am happy to be Utah’s elder statesperson. With experience comes wisdom.”
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Comments
Salt Lake County GOP mayoral candidate Erin Rider: “Just hoping for that red wave in November.”
Republican County Party officials: Marching together holding a banner that reads, “Keeping the flame alive. Opposing signature gathering since 2014.”
Pignanelli and Webb: As usual, we’ll be trudging along at the end of the parade, pushing a wheelbarrow and wielding scoop shovels, slinging the detritus the horses and politicians leave behind.